Thursday, June 19, 2008

the F word...

no, not that one! i am talking about an F word that describes me...Flawed. that used to be an ugly word that i would never have chosen to describe myself. i have always been an idealist in the most negative way. i always thought everything could be perfect; the perfect marriage, the perfect family, the perfect house, the perfect life. to reach the goal of perfection i put unrealistic expectations on just about everyone and everything including myself. if i worked hard enough, said the right things, did the right things then dang it! it would be perfect. if it wasn't...well, i was a failure (another f word). i remember that day well; the day i failed. reality had slapped me in the face and the flaws were revealed. i wish that day on everyone. it was the most beautiful and perfect day of my life! although my marriage ended, god has given me a hope for the future; although i went to work full time and turned my children's world upside down (the words of my oldest child), i have a great relationship with them and they know i love them with all my heart; although i neglect the housework and yardwork to hang out with friends and play, i now have friendships that are healthy and strong. there is nothing ugly about my imperfections... they make me who i am. i am jealous, sometimes rude, selfish, make bad choices, pout when i don't get my way, yell at my kids, forget to call my friends, slam doors, curse at other drivers, forget to feed my cat, spend money on things i shouldn't, forget my dad's b-day, probably shouldn't have had that last drink.... better stop there. anyway, without them i wouldn't need jesus. without them you couldn't know me. without them i couldn't be free. today i don't want to be perfect. i want to be real. yep, what you see is what you get,
Flaws and all...



6 comments:

Elena L said...

Reading your entry today reminds me of the freedom i feel when I am reminded (daily) of how perfect I am not!! That in the very best relationships that i have I am accepted for the real me!! I guess thats what makes them the best huh?
Thanks for being one of those best relationships!!

The Other K Wick said...

From one flawed perfectionist it another, great blog. There is such a freedom that comes with just being happy being you. I appreciate how open you are.

Exposed! said...

I think it's really brave to admit that. And kind of nice to see somoene I look up to be brave enough to say that on this open network. I am finding out as of late that parts of me are trying so hard to be exposed and opened up - not sure I like it... means I have to admit that I still am afraid to sleep alone and that even though I tell others I like how I look I really hate how I look alot of the time.
Kind of makes me want to take a "real" look at myself.

Exposed! said...

crud... I was signed into my other blog - it's Beth B.

Cristi Horne said...

I truly understand all that you say in this blog entry. It has taken me too long to realize that His agenda, will and plans for my life are the only ones I should be concerned with. The only "appearance" I care to maintain is that I love Jesus. Life becomes so much simplier when I let go and follow Him.

Susan said...

Had a cardboard testimony at the church I am involved Sunday August 3, 2008 and I was fortunate enough to a part of the worship service; no matter what imperfection that you have, you will always have a story to tell and that story will reach someone and you will be a blessing. My story was simple: one side of the cardboard stated "Sexual Impurity" and the VICTORY side of the cardboard "Purifed by Grace and Freed from Shame"... allow your imperfections be your story to reach at least one person and be a blessing for our Amazing Grace Our Chains Are Gone!

Love ya! Your sister - Susan